A group of grade 12 students discovered their strengths and learned more about themselves last week. They had each done the Leading From Your Strengths personality assessment ahead of time and brought the report to my workshop.
At the beginning I had them partner up and describe their ‘idea life’ ten years from now. They also identified the challenges they would be facing to get there. Near the end of the workshop, I offered to do a laser coaching session with one of the students to show them some tools to help them overcome their challenges.
What I expected was a simple challenge – what I got was something quite different! What I expected was a female student to volunteer – what I got was a male student!
When asked about his challenge, his answer was “Fear of failure.” Wow! He really took me by surprise! I looked at the clock and realized I had exactly seven minutes for this ‘laser session’ and the challenge was a huge one! What to do? Normally I feel quite confident coaching in front of a group, but this one threw me a little.
I wondered how a grade 12 student could know himself so well to realize that he was afraid of failure – most adults cannot even identify their fears! I also wondered what kind of difference I could make in seven minutes to help him start to conquer this huge problem.
By the end of the brief session, with the others watching, he had opened himself up completely. We discovered that a soccer coach had said something to him ten years ago (when he was seven or eight years old) that was definitely not encouraging. It had the opposite effect on him. He didn’t tell us the words, but we understood the message – that he was a failure! Empathy filled the room.
He also told us about some tools he had developed to help him, and how he wasn’t allowing his fear to paralyze him. But he was concerned about how it would affect him in his future. We finished the session with more ideas, and he took me up on my offer of a free follow-up coaching session.
I was totally impressed with this young man for a number of reasons. He wasn’t afraid to share his story with his peers; he became vulnerable. He had developed some tools to help him with his fear; he wasn’t going to allow it to control him. He was willing to ask for help – that in itself is significant! How many adults find it hard to ask for help?
Among other emotions, I experienced anger – not at this student, but with his coach from ten years ago!!! I thought about the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility he had to influence the young lives on his team, and he abused them. I thought about the way he destroyed the trust this young boy had in him and how it is still haunting him ten years later. I get very angry when I think about how some adults mistreat children in their sphere of influence! I could go on a rant about that, but I won’t. I’m sure you would agree with me. After all these years, at times I personally still struggle with my self-esteem and self-confidence because of the way I was treated growing up. But that’s another story...
I would encourage each of you who are reading this to be a positive influence in the lives of those around you. We can hear one negative comment and never forget it. But the positive ones are too often forgotten. I heard it said that is takes 21 positive comments to negate a negative one, but I believe that some of the negative things hurled at us are never forgotten! Let’s offer positive and encouraging remarks! Let’s make a positive difference in the lives of others – especially children.
Please leave a comment to tell how a positive comment from someone has impacted you!
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
MOVE THE BUS!!!
We were stuck on the bus with nowhere to go!
The last week of March I had the privilege to go to Las Vegas and share my friend's timeshare resort with her. Since I've been battling sinus problems and a lack of energy, this was just what the doctor ordered - rest in some warm weather.
I love watching people; I could do that all day and not tire of it. There was no lack of people-watching opportunities there. One incident had my friend and me talking for a few days, and I'm still thinking about it.
Because the resort was on the outskirts of the city, after we’d been to the city we had to transfer buses at the south terminal and then hop on a local bus to our resort. One evening around 9:30, we got to the terminal and had to wait for quite awhile for the next bus. A few of us gathered around to wait. Some people knew each other (there were only four tourists on this bus) and chatted. They included the rest of us and we were all having a good time joking around and bantering back and forth. This continued on the bus until the bus stopped suddenly due to a collision up ahead. The emergency vehicles raced past us; our bus driver pulled onto the shoulder and called his supervisor, which was policy in this situation.
The bantering continued as everyone was in a good mood for a few minutes. One person joked that she might be late for work; another was worried about playing bingo; another was concerned that her transfer was going to expire. My friend and I just sat and listened to the others, smiling at their antics, until without warning, they weren’t funny anymore.
As the traffic started moving along the detour on the shoulder up ahead, our bus didn’t budge. Another bus even drove past us! That’s when the ‘amiable’ passengers who’d kept us entertained actually started to get scary. They hollered – shouted – at the bus driver to get moving. He ignored them. A few more joined in until finally one of the passengers actually asked him if we weren’t going to go, to which the driver responded, “I don’t want to lose my job.” Another passenger asked if he would give extend her transfer and his response was, “You can ask the supervisor when he shows up.”
None of this was satisfactory and no one understood why our bus wasn’t moving when the traffic wasn’t a problem anymore. Then the passengers got rather abusive and hurled insults and sarcasm about the driver. They told stories about how it was the worst transit company, how the buses were always late, they couldn’t depend on them, the drivers didn’t care, etc. etc. etc.
Being a Life Coach, I racked my brain to think of how I could turn this into something positive. My friend and I looked at each other, wondering if there was anything we could do. We tried telling them about the good experiences we had with the bus system – only to be quickly shouted down with their negative experiences. That shut us up fast!
When the supervisor finally arrived, he curtly told the passenger that her transfer could not be extended. That was great – another person who didn’t care! He led the bus through the detour and my friend and I were grateful to get off shortly after that. After we got off, my friend made a comment: “crowd mentality”. We decided that if the supervisor hadn’t arrived when he did, the situation could have gotten ugly. Needless to say, it got very uncomfortable.
The next day, as I was mulling over what happened, I thought about how the driver could have diffused the situation with a simple explanation; this would have helped us all understand his behaviour. Instead, the perception was that he was incompetent, or a coward, or ...who knows what? I recalled that one of the passengers often said, “I don’t understand.”
Human nature is a scary thing! Everything can be going along smoothly with everyone enjoying themselves – and then something goes wrong, we don’t understand what is happening, and all hell breaks loose. Why? ...just because we don’t understand!!!
On the bus, the passengers did not understand and their opinion was that the bus driver didn’t care enough about them to offer an explanation. I wonder how the bus driver felt when he heard the abusive comments made about him. From my experience using personality assessments in my coaching practice, I concluded that the bus driver didn’t have the natural strengths needed to relate with the people he encountered on a daily basis. I also questioned the training he may have received – did it include strategies to diffuse difficult situations?
All in all, it was a very interesting experience and my friend and I were relieved to get off that bus. The people we liked when we first met them at the bus stop became people we were actually nervous about being around. They were stressed and behaved impulsively.
Makes me consider my own behaviour when I don’t understand something which causes stress in my life! How do I react? How am I perceived by others?
How about you – how are you perceived when you are in a stressful situation?
The last week of March I had the privilege to go to Las Vegas and share my friend's timeshare resort with her. Since I've been battling sinus problems and a lack of energy, this was just what the doctor ordered - rest in some warm weather.
I love watching people; I could do that all day and not tire of it. There was no lack of people-watching opportunities there. One incident had my friend and me talking for a few days, and I'm still thinking about it.
Because the resort was on the outskirts of the city, after we’d been to the city we had to transfer buses at the south terminal and then hop on a local bus to our resort. One evening around 9:30, we got to the terminal and had to wait for quite awhile for the next bus. A few of us gathered around to wait. Some people knew each other (there were only four tourists on this bus) and chatted. They included the rest of us and we were all having a good time joking around and bantering back and forth. This continued on the bus until the bus stopped suddenly due to a collision up ahead. The emergency vehicles raced past us; our bus driver pulled onto the shoulder and called his supervisor, which was policy in this situation.
The bantering continued as everyone was in a good mood for a few minutes. One person joked that she might be late for work; another was worried about playing bingo; another was concerned that her transfer was going to expire. My friend and I just sat and listened to the others, smiling at their antics, until without warning, they weren’t funny anymore.
As the traffic started moving along the detour on the shoulder up ahead, our bus didn’t budge. Another bus even drove past us! That’s when the ‘amiable’ passengers who’d kept us entertained actually started to get scary. They hollered – shouted – at the bus driver to get moving. He ignored them. A few more joined in until finally one of the passengers actually asked him if we weren’t going to go, to which the driver responded, “I don’t want to lose my job.” Another passenger asked if he would give extend her transfer and his response was, “You can ask the supervisor when he shows up.”
None of this was satisfactory and no one understood why our bus wasn’t moving when the traffic wasn’t a problem anymore. Then the passengers got rather abusive and hurled insults and sarcasm about the driver. They told stories about how it was the worst transit company, how the buses were always late, they couldn’t depend on them, the drivers didn’t care, etc. etc. etc.
Being a Life Coach, I racked my brain to think of how I could turn this into something positive. My friend and I looked at each other, wondering if there was anything we could do. We tried telling them about the good experiences we had with the bus system – only to be quickly shouted down with their negative experiences. That shut us up fast!
When the supervisor finally arrived, he curtly told the passenger that her transfer could not be extended. That was great – another person who didn’t care! He led the bus through the detour and my friend and I were grateful to get off shortly after that. After we got off, my friend made a comment: “crowd mentality”. We decided that if the supervisor hadn’t arrived when he did, the situation could have gotten ugly. Needless to say, it got very uncomfortable.
The next day, as I was mulling over what happened, I thought about how the driver could have diffused the situation with a simple explanation; this would have helped us all understand his behaviour. Instead, the perception was that he was incompetent, or a coward, or ...who knows what? I recalled that one of the passengers often said, “I don’t understand.”
Human nature is a scary thing! Everything can be going along smoothly with everyone enjoying themselves – and then something goes wrong, we don’t understand what is happening, and all hell breaks loose. Why? ...just because we don’t understand!!!
On the bus, the passengers did not understand and their opinion was that the bus driver didn’t care enough about them to offer an explanation. I wonder how the bus driver felt when he heard the abusive comments made about him. From my experience using personality assessments in my coaching practice, I concluded that the bus driver didn’t have the natural strengths needed to relate with the people he encountered on a daily basis. I also questioned the training he may have received – did it include strategies to diffuse difficult situations?
All in all, it was a very interesting experience and my friend and I were relieved to get off that bus. The people we liked when we first met them at the bus stop became people we were actually nervous about being around. They were stressed and behaved impulsively.
Makes me consider my own behaviour when I don’t understand something which causes stress in my life! How do I react? How am I perceived by others?
How about you – how are you perceived when you are in a stressful situation?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Self Doubt or Self Talk
In the last entry I posted part of an article by Brian Tracy about goal setting and the obstacles of achieving our goals. He stated that the two major obstacles to achievement are fear and self-doubt.
I can totally attest to that statement! In the past when I’ve thought about some goals I’ve wanted to accomplish, my own thoughts of self-doubt or fear would take over. For example, when I returned from Japan a few years ago, my plan was to write a book about my four-year experience living with a Japanese family and being submersed in that culture. I even had my material written out; it just needed some tweaking. I never wrote that book! Why not?
My own thoughts took over and I didn’t try to change them. My thinking went something like this: Who would buy my book? Who would be interested in reading about MY experiences? What if people laugh at me? Who do I think I am, trying to write a book and market it? What if my marketing doesn’t work? What if....? What if...?
Looking back, how silly I was! What was I afraid of? Why did I have so much self-doubt? What could I have done differently?
One problem was that I was listening to others. When I told someone about my plan, if they weren’t excited about it like I was, I interpreted that into: See, who do you think you are, wanting to write a book? No one is really interested in what you have to say. Self-doubt definitely crept in. And I believed it! Then fear took over and I didn’t do anything.
I should have listened to my heart, not my head. From what I’ve learned about coaching since then, I realize that a coach would have been a good solution – kept me thinking ‘right’ thoughts, focused on believing in myself, helped me overcome my fear. I should have surrounded myself with positive people who believed in me. I should have...!
Here I am – four and a half years later – still no book. But I have achieved a lot of other things since then. I have learned a lot about myself and my fears and self-doubt. I have learned that I need to take control of the thoughts that enter my mind and change them to positive and encouraging ones. (I don’t always practise what I’ve learned, but when I do it makes a huge difference.)
Are you struggling with fear and self-doubt? Are you willing to change those negative thoughts that enter your mind uninvited? It isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible. I wrote an article last April about changing your thoughts. This is a good reminder for me. I’m not writing a book about Japan, but I have a list of goals I want to achieve. I have to continually be aware of my thoughts and how they are affecting me. I cannot afford to give way to fear – it’s not a healthy emotion. I must also dismiss negative thoughts as they enter my head and replace them with positive thoughts. The effort is well worth it. I am worth it!
How about you? What are you struggling with? It all starts in your mind – with your thoughts! Start changing those negative ones into positive ones and you will notice a difference. You are worth it!
Please leave a comment to help the rest of us learn more about this topic.
I can totally attest to that statement! In the past when I’ve thought about some goals I’ve wanted to accomplish, my own thoughts of self-doubt or fear would take over. For example, when I returned from Japan a few years ago, my plan was to write a book about my four-year experience living with a Japanese family and being submersed in that culture. I even had my material written out; it just needed some tweaking. I never wrote that book! Why not?
My own thoughts took over and I didn’t try to change them. My thinking went something like this: Who would buy my book? Who would be interested in reading about MY experiences? What if people laugh at me? Who do I think I am, trying to write a book and market it? What if my marketing doesn’t work? What if....? What if...?
Looking back, how silly I was! What was I afraid of? Why did I have so much self-doubt? What could I have done differently?
One problem was that I was listening to others. When I told someone about my plan, if they weren’t excited about it like I was, I interpreted that into: See, who do you think you are, wanting to write a book? No one is really interested in what you have to say. Self-doubt definitely crept in. And I believed it! Then fear took over and I didn’t do anything.
I should have listened to my heart, not my head. From what I’ve learned about coaching since then, I realize that a coach would have been a good solution – kept me thinking ‘right’ thoughts, focused on believing in myself, helped me overcome my fear. I should have surrounded myself with positive people who believed in me. I should have...!
Here I am – four and a half years later – still no book. But I have achieved a lot of other things since then. I have learned a lot about myself and my fears and self-doubt. I have learned that I need to take control of the thoughts that enter my mind and change them to positive and encouraging ones. (I don’t always practise what I’ve learned, but when I do it makes a huge difference.)
Are you struggling with fear and self-doubt? Are you willing to change those negative thoughts that enter your mind uninvited? It isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible. I wrote an article last April about changing your thoughts. This is a good reminder for me. I’m not writing a book about Japan, but I have a list of goals I want to achieve. I have to continually be aware of my thoughts and how they are affecting me. I cannot afford to give way to fear – it’s not a healthy emotion. I must also dismiss negative thoughts as they enter my head and replace them with positive thoughts. The effort is well worth it. I am worth it!
How about you? What are you struggling with? It all starts in your mind – with your thoughts! Start changing those negative ones into positive ones and you will notice a difference. You are worth it!
Please leave a comment to help the rest of us learn more about this topic.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
MAJOR OBSTACLES TO ACHIEVEMENT
Why do we keep setting goals and failing to see them through to fruition?
I came across an article in Success Magazine that talked about goal setting. The above question caught my attention and I could hardly wait to see what the answer was. Brian Tracy gave the following answer:
Most people give up before they even make the first try. And the reason they give up is because of all the obstacles, difficulties, problems and roadblocks that immediately appear as soon as they decide to do something they have never done before. The fact is that successful people fail far more often than unsuccessful people. Successful people try more things, fall down, pick themselves up and try again—over and over before they finally win.
The two major obstacles to achievement are fear and self-doubt. The fear of failure, poverty, loss, embarrassment or rejection holds most people back from trying in the first place. Small fears overwhelm them and, like a bucket of water on a small fi re, extinguish their desire completely.
The second mental obstacle, closely aligned to fear, is self-doubt. We doubt our own abilities. We compare ourselves unfavorably to others and think that others are somehow better, smarter and more competent than we are. We think, I’m not good enough. We feel inadequate and inferior to the challenges of achieving the great goals that we so want to accomplish. If there is anything good about doubt and fear, it is that they are learned emotions. And whatever has been learned can be unlearned through practice and repetition.
Now that I know what the obstacles are, I can do something about them! ...but only if I choose to.
I'll continue along this theme next time. Do you have any questions you'd like addressed?
Please leave a comment about what keeps you from seeing your goals through to fruition.
I came across an article in Success Magazine that talked about goal setting. The above question caught my attention and I could hardly wait to see what the answer was. Brian Tracy gave the following answer:
Most people give up before they even make the first try. And the reason they give up is because of all the obstacles, difficulties, problems and roadblocks that immediately appear as soon as they decide to do something they have never done before. The fact is that successful people fail far more often than unsuccessful people. Successful people try more things, fall down, pick themselves up and try again—over and over before they finally win.
The two major obstacles to achievement are fear and self-doubt. The fear of failure, poverty, loss, embarrassment or rejection holds most people back from trying in the first place. Small fears overwhelm them and, like a bucket of water on a small fi re, extinguish their desire completely.
The second mental obstacle, closely aligned to fear, is self-doubt. We doubt our own abilities. We compare ourselves unfavorably to others and think that others are somehow better, smarter and more competent than we are. We think, I’m not good enough. We feel inadequate and inferior to the challenges of achieving the great goals that we so want to accomplish. If there is anything good about doubt and fear, it is that they are learned emotions. And whatever has been learned can be unlearned through practice and repetition.
Now that I know what the obstacles are, I can do something about them! ...but only if I choose to.
I'll continue along this theme next time. Do you have any questions you'd like addressed?
Please leave a comment about what keeps you from seeing your goals through to fruition.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
COURAGE
Admirable! Courageous!
Teaching English to immigrant women in Calgary really helps me to appreciate life here. They come to Calgary from all parts of the world. Many of them come because their husbands have jobs here. Some come as single moms. Some come on their own. Their reason for moving to Canada – to improve their own lives and provide a better life for their families.
When I ask them why they’re here, I often see pain in their eyes. One young woman once answered, “I don’t like that question.” I fought back tears as I realized the emotional pain I’d caused.
I admire these women – many of them with young children and pregnant. Life here is not easy! The first thing they do is enrol in English classes as they adjust to a foreign land.
They’re willing to go through this difficult period in hopes of a better future! WOW! They put me to shame. I’d often thought I wanted to create a better future for myself, but was too lazy or scared to leave my ‘comfort zone’! Most of these women’s ‘comfort zones’ were more uncomfortable and more painful than leaving – more painful than changing! I can only imagine!
Think of the courage it would take to make the changes and face the challenges to create a better future.
What can I learn from them?
• That Canada is a great country
• That Canadians are friendly and helpful
• That the air here is fresh
• That this is a great country with opportunities
• No matter how negative and pessimistic some people are about this country and its government, I really cannot think of another place I’d rather live.
• That nothing is impossible
• If I want a better future, it’s up to me. I just have to go for it!
Your turn – what can you learn from people in your life who’ve had the courage to face huge risks to create a better future for themselves?
Let’s make a list of the things we’ve all learned – leave a comment, please. And read others’ comments.
Teaching English to immigrant women in Calgary really helps me to appreciate life here. They come to Calgary from all parts of the world. Many of them come because their husbands have jobs here. Some come as single moms. Some come on their own. Their reason for moving to Canada – to improve their own lives and provide a better life for their families.
When I ask them why they’re here, I often see pain in their eyes. One young woman once answered, “I don’t like that question.” I fought back tears as I realized the emotional pain I’d caused.
I admire these women – many of them with young children and pregnant. Life here is not easy! The first thing they do is enrol in English classes as they adjust to a foreign land.
They’re willing to go through this difficult period in hopes of a better future! WOW! They put me to shame. I’d often thought I wanted to create a better future for myself, but was too lazy or scared to leave my ‘comfort zone’! Most of these women’s ‘comfort zones’ were more uncomfortable and more painful than leaving – more painful than changing! I can only imagine!
Think of the courage it would take to make the changes and face the challenges to create a better future.
What can I learn from them?
• That Canada is a great country
• That Canadians are friendly and helpful
• That the air here is fresh
• That this is a great country with opportunities
• No matter how negative and pessimistic some people are about this country and its government, I really cannot think of another place I’d rather live.
• That nothing is impossible
• If I want a better future, it’s up to me. I just have to go for it!
Your turn – what can you learn from people in your life who’ve had the courage to face huge risks to create a better future for themselves?
Let’s make a list of the things we’ve all learned – leave a comment, please. And read others’ comments.
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