VALUES

There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do.

~Freya Stark

Last time I talked about what is important – how did you do using the Prioritization Chart? This time, I’d like to tweak the question a bit, changing the meaning.

 

What is important to YOU?

In the big scheme of life, what is really important to you? At the end of your life, what do you want to be remembered for? If you’ve never thought about this question, it may take you awhile to come up with an answer.

 Think about a good friend. What is it that you like about him/her? Write down three qualities about that person that are important to you. Why are those qualities important? Could it be that those are qualities that you yourself have, and you value them?

 Imagine you are listening in at your funeral (a little morbid, I know, but just play along with me). Various family members and friends are giving tributes to you – what are they saying?

 What traits or values describe you? Which ones do you identify with the most? Which ones do you want people to remember after they’ve been with you? Hopefully you’ll have a list of three or four values.

 Now, think about your daily activities – the things you have on your ‘to do’ list. As you think about your list, determine if what’s on there lines up with your values. If you are asked to do something, or you choose to do something that doesn’t line up with your values, you might begin to feel overwhelmed.

 Listen to your body. The anxiety you’re feeling has a positive intention for you. If you feel anxiety, knots, tension – whatever your experience is, your body is telling you to line up your actions with your values.

 When you live according to your values, decisions about your daily activities are easier to make. If an activity or behaviour does not line up with what’s really important to you, it will be easier to move on to something that IS important. ...something that does line up with your values.

 In my coaching practice I often use an exercise that helps clients discover their core value, and they take away a tool that they can use to line up their actions with their core value.

 What values do you live by?

 Please share things that have worked for you to stay true to your values. Let us know what your top values are. What small change can you make today to help you feel less overwhelmed and live according to your values?

 

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.

~Roy Disney

WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT?

If you continually ask yourself, "What's important now?" you won't waste time on the trivial.

–Lou Holtz

Last week I told you about the advice my sister and mother-in-law gave me when I had a lot of responsibilities and was feeling overwhelmed.

I’d like to continue exploring the feeling of being overwhelmed because it is very prevalent in our society today. Every day I hear people, especially women, say that they are overwhelmed. What is overwhelming us?

Please take a minute and think about what is important. If you know what is important, it will help you to make better choices about how you will spend your time. Personally, I find it way too easy to waste my time, especially on the computer, and before I know it a few hours have passed.

So, when you are faced with a busy day, ask yourself,

• What’s the most important think I have to do today?

• What is the best use of my time now?

• What absolutely needs to be done by the end of the day?

Once you’ve answered those questions, do those things and you will end the day with a sense of accomplishment. By determining what’s important to you, it helps to decide the steps to take.
Here is an exercise many people have great success with. You might want to try it.

1. Make a list of things you need to do.

2. Download the Prioritization Chart. (If you didn't receive it with your blog update, email me and I'll send it to you)

3. Look at the first thing on your list and put it in one of the quadrants in the chart above. Ask yourself:

a. Is this important? If so, how urgent is it?

b. If it isn’t important – how urgent is it?

4. Put every item on your ‘to do’ list into one of the quadrants.

5. Now, study your completed diagram.

6. Focus on the two areas on the right: Important & Not Urgent and Important & Urgent

7. Decide what in those two areas you want to complete first – which is the most important?

8. When you’re done, cross it off and give yourself a high five. Take a few minutes to reward yourself.

9. Work your way through your list and remember that it is important to reward yourself each time you cross off something. Own that feeling of satisfaction.

It will take a bit of time the first time you use this tool, but it will be well worth it. I hope this tool will help you so you can have more peace in your day, less stress and forget about feeling overwhelmed.

Next week, I’ll help you to explore your values and show you how knowing those will impact your life in a surprising way!

Please leave your comments about how using the tool helped you. Please leave your questions as well. Someone may have an answer.

It is not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is, 'What are we busy about?’ ~Henry David Thoreau

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials. Lin Yu Tang

FEELING OVERWHELMED???

Are you feeling overwhelmed? I know the feeling well! Let me share with you something that my sister told with me years ago that really helped me.


It was many years ago when my three children were very young and needed a lot of care. We lived in a big house with a big yard and a big garden. (Everything was BIG) My husband worked and did not have time to help me, so the responsibilities of the house, the yard, the garden and the kids fell to me. We did not have the finances to hire someone to help me.


Did I feel overwhelmed? That is an understatement!


I hated having a messy house, a cluttered kitchen, unmade beds, piles of laundry, a big lawn to mow, flower beds with weeds, an all-consuming garden and little time for the kids!!!!!!


Some days, after I put the kids down for their naps, I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just lay down on the couch and had a nap myself. That didn’t help because when I woke up it was back to ‘overwhelm’ and then I felt guilty for not taking advantage of the time when the kids were napping to get some work done. I would often stay up until after midnight just to catch up a bit after the kids were in bed.


One summer afternoon, my much older and wiser sister dropped by for a visit. While we were walking around the yard, she heard me lamenting about how much there was to do and how overwhelmed I was feeling. In her wisdom she gave me some clever advice. She suggested that I just focus on one flower bed that day, and not even think about the rest of the yard. That seemed to work: I could think about just one flower bed and weed that one that day, and not think about the rest of the yard and get overwhelmed. That gave me a feeling of accomplishment.


I had a similar experience the summer my third child was born. She was born at the end of May, the same summer that my father was dying. I was recovering from my C-section as well as trying to meet all the responsibilities listed above. On top of that, the children (three ages 5 and under) and I went to visit my father every other day. The visit to the hospital took all afternoon, including a one-hour car ride each way. Needless to say, the house got neglected! My father died at the end of September and after that my mother-in-law gave me some great advice. I must have been complaining about the amount of work I needed to do to get the house back in shape and her recommendation was to tackle one room a month! Wow – one room a month? It turned out to be very good advice because it was totally manageable and took away the guilt of having to have my house in great shape asap. What a relief. I could lower the expectations I had for myself and stop the feeling of being overwhelmed. What a gift!


Now it’s your turn:

• Are you feeling overwhelmed?

• What is one thing you can focus on today?

• How can you break down a big job into smaller, more manageable chunks?

• Where can you lower your expectations?

• What can you stop feeling guilty about?

Since overwhelm is a word I’m hearing over and over again, over the next few weeks I’m going to continue blogging about what you can do to help you to balance your life and feel more satisfaction. Feeling overwhelmed does not serve us well.

Stay tuned – please leave a comment with your suggestions so others can benefit from your wisdom.

PERCEPTION IS REALITY ~ OR IS IT?

Things are not always as they seem – or are they? 

I once had a neighbour who would not say hello to me unless I spoke to her first. I thought she was a snob! When I got to know her, it turned out that she was shy! (Did I feel foolish?!?)

Did I learn my lesson? Of course not! I continued to think that others were not friendly or didn’t like me if they didn’t say hi or smile at me when we passed each other on the sidewalk. Thankfully I’ve learned a lot about myself – and others – since then. I realize that I am a very outgoing and friendly person who wants to say hi to everyone I meet. I think we should all be friends. What I have learned is that other personalities might not want to say hi to people they don’t know, and they don’t necessarily want to be my friend. Now I can actually stand in the elevator in my building and not feel like I have to make conversation with the person who’s looking at his shoes, or the woman who’s reading her text messages. I’m okay with giving them their space and not feel like they are rejecting me. My perception has changed. It’s a good thing, or I would be feeling rejected a lot, or judging others for being snooty or unfriendly, when in reality they’re not!

That is a simple example. But the way we perceive situations can have some serious repercussions if we aren’t open to finding the truth in the matter. For example, a woman I know hated it when her husband became defensive. She thought he was being arrogant. In fact, it became a huge issue in their marriage until they finally had a serious talk about it, and she found out that his defensiveness was a cover-up for the anxiety he was experiencing. Their discussion led them to the root of the problem and changed the way they relate to each other.

Perception – it really is our reality, but that doesn’t mean it’s the truth. I’m sure you can think of plenty of examples of your own.

Most often it’s the wrong perception in a situation that is the problem. Years ago, I heard someone say,
“Be a fact finder, not a fault finder.” What good advice.

The next time you are critical of someone, check your perception. Ask yourself why you think the way you do. Perhaps you are assuming something. Assumptions are not always accurate and they are based on your perception. Keep asking questions to help you discover the truth of the situation. If necessary, you may have to talk to the other person to get the facts straight. After all of that, you will have the information you need to decide if your perception was accurate and you can determine your reality. Hopefully it will be a good result.

Wow – I just thought of another way people distort their perception in order to avoid an unpleasant truth. Maybe it’s too difficult to face the truth, so they look for something positive to create a false reality. That is not good – that sounds like a topic for another post. Anyone want to tackle that one?
Think of a situation in your life where you might be a bit critical of another person. How do you perceive their actions and their behaviour? Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you making assumptions? Is your perception your reality? Is it the truth?

Go ahead – be a fact finder. Get the truth – it could change your reality! It could change your life!

WISDOM FROM OPRAH

Such an inspirational and motivational women ~ Oprah! As I watched Oprah’s last show, I was impressed at the huge difference she has made in individuals around the world. What impressed me more is that she is so “real”.
I grabbed my journal and here are the notes I took – hope they inspire and motivate YOU!

• “This is what I was called to do.”
• Your calling lights you up and lets you know you’re doing exactly what you’re meant to do.
• What sparks the life in you?
• Each of us has our own platform.
• Every day we let our life speak for us. We have the power to change someone’s life.
• Use your passion to serve others.
• Nobody but you is responsible for your life.
• You’re responsible for the energy you create for yourself and the energy you bring to others.
• “Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”
• There’s a common thread that runs through all our pain – the feeling of unworthiness.
• We block our own blessings because we don’t feel worthy enough.
• Me being alive makes worthiness my birthright.
• We all want validation.
o “Do you see me?”
o “Do you hear me?”
o “Does what I say mean anything to you?”
• Validate others: “What you say matters to me.”
• Her 4th grade teacher made her feel like she mattered.
• What are the whispers in your life?
• What is speaking to you and will you hear it?
• “I hope you will be a safe harbour for someone else.”
• “Gratitude is the single greatest treasure I will take away from this experience.”
• “To God be the Glory!”

FEAR OF FAILURE

A group of grade 12 students discovered their strengths and learned more about themselves last week. They had each done the Leading From Your Strengths personality assessment ahead of time and brought the report to my workshop.

At the beginning I had them partner up and describe their ‘idea life’ ten years from now. They also identified the challenges they would be facing to get there. Near the end of the workshop, I offered to do a laser coaching session with one of the students to show them some tools to help them overcome their challenges.

What I expected was a simple challenge – what I got was something quite different! What I expected was a female student to volunteer – what I got was a male student!

When asked about his challenge, his answer was “Fear of failure.” Wow! He really took me by surprise! I looked at the clock and realized I had exactly seven minutes for this ‘laser session’ and the challenge was a huge one! What to do? Normally I feel quite confident coaching in front of a group, but this one threw me a little.

I wondered how a grade 12 student could know himself so well to realize that he was afraid of failure – most adults cannot even identify their fears! I also wondered what kind of difference I could make in seven minutes to help him start to conquer this huge problem.

By the end of the brief session, with the others watching, he had opened himself up completely. We discovered that a soccer coach had said something to him ten years ago (when he was seven or eight years old) that was definitely not encouraging. It had the opposite effect on him. He didn’t tell us the words, but we understood the message – that he was a failure! Empathy filled the room.

He also told us about some tools he had developed to help him, and how he wasn’t allowing his fear to paralyze him. But he was concerned about how it would affect him in his future. We finished the session with more ideas, and he took me up on my offer of a free follow-up coaching session.

I was totally impressed with this young man for a number of reasons. He wasn’t afraid to share his story with his peers; he became vulnerable. He had developed some tools to help him with his fear; he wasn’t going to allow it to control him. He was willing to ask for help – that in itself is significant! How many adults find it hard to ask for help?

Among other emotions, I experienced anger – not at this student, but with his coach from ten years ago!!! I thought about the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility he had to influence the young lives on his team, and he abused them. I thought about the way he destroyed the trust this young boy had in him and how it is still haunting him ten years later. I get very angry when I think about how some adults mistreat children in their sphere of influence! I could go on a rant about that, but I won’t. I’m sure you would agree with me. After all these years, at times I personally still struggle with my self-esteem and self-confidence because of the way I was treated growing up. But that’s another story...

I would encourage each of you who are reading this to be a positive influence in the lives of those around you. We can hear one negative comment and never forget it. But the positive ones are too often forgotten. I heard it said that is takes 21 positive comments to negate a negative one, but I believe that some of the negative things hurled at us are never forgotten! Let’s offer positive and encouraging remarks! Let’s make a positive difference in the lives of others – especially children.

Please leave a comment to tell how a positive comment from someone has impacted you!

MOVE THE BUS!!!

We were stuck on the bus with nowhere to go!

The last week of March I had the privilege to go to Las Vegas and share my friend's timeshare resort with her. Since I've been battling sinus problems and a lack of energy, this was just what the doctor ordered - rest in some warm weather.

I love watching people; I could do that all day and not tire of it. There was no lack of people-watching opportunities there. One incident had my friend and me talking for a few days, and I'm still thinking about it.

Because the resort was on the outskirts of the city, after we’d been to the city we had to transfer buses at the south terminal and then hop on a local bus to our resort. One evening around 9:30, we got to the terminal and had to wait for quite awhile for the next bus. A few of us gathered around to wait. Some people knew each other (there were only four tourists on this bus) and chatted. They included the rest of us and we were all having a good time joking around and bantering back and forth. This continued on the bus until the bus stopped suddenly due to a collision up ahead. The emergency vehicles raced past us; our bus driver pulled onto the shoulder and called his supervisor, which was policy in this situation.

The bantering continued as everyone was in a good mood for a few minutes. One person joked that she might be late for work; another was worried about playing bingo; another was concerned that her transfer was going to expire. My friend and I just sat and listened to the others, smiling at their antics, until without warning, they weren’t funny anymore.

As the traffic started moving along the detour on the shoulder up ahead, our bus didn’t budge. Another bus even drove past us! That’s when the ‘amiable’ passengers who’d kept us entertained actually started to get scary. They hollered – shouted – at the bus driver to get moving. He ignored them. A few more joined in until finally one of the passengers actually asked him if we weren’t going to go, to which the driver responded, “I don’t want to lose my job.” Another passenger asked if he would give extend her transfer and his response was, “You can ask the supervisor when he shows up.”

None of this was satisfactory and no one understood why our bus wasn’t moving when the traffic wasn’t a problem anymore. Then the passengers got rather abusive and hurled insults and sarcasm about the driver. They told stories about how it was the worst transit company, how the buses were always late, they couldn’t depend on them, the drivers didn’t care, etc. etc. etc.

Being a Life Coach, I racked my brain to think of how I could turn this into something positive. My friend and I looked at each other, wondering if there was anything we could do. We tried telling them about the good experiences we had with the bus system – only to be quickly shouted down with their negative experiences. That shut us up fast!

When the supervisor finally arrived, he curtly told the passenger that her transfer could not be extended. That was great – another person who didn’t care! He led the bus through the detour and my friend and I were grateful to get off shortly after that. After we got off, my friend made a comment: “crowd mentality”. We decided that if the supervisor hadn’t arrived when he did, the situation could have gotten ugly. Needless to say, it got very uncomfortable.

The next day, as I was mulling over what happened, I thought about how the driver could have diffused the situation with a simple explanation; this would have helped us all understand his behaviour. Instead, the perception was that he was incompetent, or a coward, or ...who knows what? I recalled that one of the passengers often said, “I don’t understand.”

Human nature is a scary thing! Everything can be going along smoothly with everyone enjoying themselves – and then something goes wrong, we don’t understand what is happening, and all hell breaks loose. Why? ...just because we don’t understand!!!

On the bus, the passengers did not understand and their opinion was that the bus driver didn’t care enough about them to offer an explanation. I wonder how the bus driver felt when he heard the abusive comments made about him. From my experience using personality assessments in my coaching practice, I concluded that the bus driver didn’t have the natural strengths needed to relate with the people he encountered on a daily basis. I also questioned the training he may have received – did it include strategies to diffuse difficult situations?

All in all, it was a very interesting experience and my friend and I were relieved to get off that bus. The people we liked when we first met them at the bus stop became people we were actually nervous about being around. They were stressed and behaved impulsively.

Makes me consider my own behaviour when I don’t understand something which causes stress in my life! How do I react? How am I perceived by others?

How about you – how are you perceived when you are in a stressful situation?